Single Black Male: Five Things I’ll Teach My Daughter About Men

#1. Many Men, By Nature, Are Secretive

Men abide in secrets. All of the best and worst parts of a man, the things that make him who he is, are found in places he keeps obscured from public view, only sharing with those who’ve earned his trust. This is not a bad thing. I’m actually distrustful of men who portend to bare their souls to every person they happen to come across. Maybe it’s because we’re not asked about our feelings enough as children or maybe it’s born out of some antiquated ideology around masculinity. Whatever the cause, the fact remains, most men you encounter will have secrets, and before you give yourself to a man, make sure you’ve seen those places no one else sees.

How might you do this? Well, the first step is to listen. Listen not just to what a man says, but also to what he is saying. Bits and pieces of the truth of who a man is and who he is not can come out at any moment. Secrets are not always shared in deep, expansive conversations, sometimes they’re bared in those unexpectedly intimate moments when you’re sitting around doing nothing. Next, learn to challenge without judging. Most of the secrets a worthwhile man will share will be things he’s already spent hours obsessing over. If you can ask a perfectly timed question that doesn’t pass judgment but forces him to re-think whatever conclusion he’s already come to, you’ll get the rare opportunity to see that man sans the wall, moat, shield and suit of armor he’s built to protect himself. And once you’ve seen us that vulnerable, we have but two choices, kill you or love you. Most times we’ll choose the latter.

Ladies: Ever met a man who kept the best parts of himself to himself until he developed a certain measure of trust in you?

Fellas: How secretive are you? How much of yourself do you hold back in the early stages of a relationship.

#2. Men Don’t Make Mistakes

This is not to say that men are perfect, we are not. It is to say that the vast majority of a man’s actions, both heroic, and villainous, will be the product of premeditation. In hindsight they are mistakes, but in the moment, we know exactly what we’re doing and we are weighing the consequences with each forward step we take. Trust not and forgive not a man who tells you he made a mistake because if he views it as a mistake, he’s likely to make it again. Understand, there’s a difference between a man telling you he made a mistake, and a man telling you he made a decision that was wrong. One abdicates responsibility and the other accepts responsibility. The fact that a man takes responsibility for his decisions doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a man worthy of you, but it does mean he has a good grasp of who he is and what he’s capable of; and that makes him more trustworthy than the man who makes mistakes. How you choose to proceed is up to you, but understanding the difference before making your decision is important. If a man shows you who he is, believe him… the first time.

Ever been in a relationship and either made or been the victim of a major error in judgement or poor decision? How did you handle it? When looking back, was it really a mistake?

#3. A Man’s Love Is Not Confusing

Some things about us are complicated. Our ability to compartmentalize our lives, our affinity for secrets – these are all things that can at times, be difficult to comprehend. But when we love, it’s not complex at all – it’s obvious. The only thing we put before our own happiness, our own goals, and our own desires is a woman we love. Love inspires selflessness so if we’re not putting you first, it’s probably because we don’t love you. If you’re confused about whether or not we love you, we probably are too. If you have to sit around plucking pedals off a dandelion saying “he loves me, he loves me not” you’ve already got your answer. Has there ever been a moment in your life where you doubted my love for you? From when you were just a little girl all the way up till now, whether I was angry at you or whether you were angry at me, you’ve always known I loved you right? My love for your mother is the same and so too will be the love of the man who falls for you. You’ll just know.

Continue Reading at Single Black Male.

What Do You Plan To Teach Your Daughters About Men?

Pages: 1 2